


deserts of my mind

by Anonymous



Category: The Office (US)
Genre: Gen, Mentions of drugs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-10-06 14:11:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17346656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: canon divergence of s06e11, shareholder meeting.





	deserts of my mind

**Author's Note:**

> forgive me for any grammar mistakes or horrid writing in general, english is not my native language.

“Your new office!” Jim swung the door of the closet open, vaguely waving his hand at the desk inside of it. “How great is that?”

“For a job well done- well, not done.” Ryan barely listening to what Jim said. The closet. A small, enclosed, space. He had to get out of this. 

“I will- uh- I will do my work right now-“ Ryan stuttered, eyes falling anywhere but Jim. And the closet. They were darting around the break room, but finally landed on the table Jim was leaning against. 

“Mhm,” Jim gesturing for Ryan to continue. 

“I will stay late tonight,” Ryan turned his head to see if anybody noticed what was happening- of course they did. Jim had asked for all of their attentions. Shit. He snapped his head back around, biting his lip. 

“Right.”

“Um- I’m very sorry about everything.” Ryan took a deep breath in, sinking his teeth back into his lips. The taste of crimson filled his lips. “Oh god,” He muttered, wiping his lip and wiping the blood onto his pants. It had been around a year since he tasted blood in his mouth. Around a year since blood has spilled from his nose. 

“You’re a good kid.” Jim patted him on the back, forcing Ryan to move into to the closet. He put his hand on the door, preparing to close it. “You know what? It gets bigger once yo-“

“Please don’t make me go in there.” The words fell from Ryan’s mouth like a string- a plead, that was forced together because he didn’t have much more time left to beg. “Jim- fuck- please don’t make me go in there. Please.”

“I feel like it would be good for you, kid.” God, Ryan fucking despised that. When Jim called him ‘kid’. It made him feel stupid. Insignificant. Worthless. “Less distracting.”

Ryan took a deep breath in. “Please, Jim. I- I’ll owe you big time. And I’ll do my work. You’ll never have to talk to me about this again-“

“I can’t trust that unless you give me a valid reason not to put you in the closet.” Jim crossed his arms, leaning against the table. Ryan’s hand was in between the door and the wall, so Jim wouldn’t be able to close it; or else Pam would probably get angry. Once Michael heard about what happened, he’d definitely get angry. 

He squeezed his eyes shut. “Jim-“

“Ryan, you’re gonna need to give me a reason. Or else, you’re gonna have to get in the closet and do your work.”

Fuck it. “Last time I was in a closet was when I over dosed in cocaine and went into a coma for four and a half days. I thought nobody would find me- I kinda hoped nobody would find me. No one would see me snorting up that fucking white powder. No one would find me if I died. I honestly hoped I did, okay? I hoped that OD would kill me. I wanted it to kill me. I wanted to die- and you know what? I. Still. Fucking. Do.” He took a deep breath in. “Rehab didn’t help. Thailand- or Fort Lauderdale or where ever the fuck you heard I was- that was just a coverup for rehab. Goddamn rehab.”

“You wanna know why I still wanna die? Why I wanted to die in the first place? Because all of you treat me like I’m a worthless piece of shit, and okay, I know I am. Being the youngest VP actually made me feel useful. The reason Michael planning to jump pissed me off so much was because only weeks before he tried it, I was standing in the exact same place, planning to jump to my death. I know none of you have ever actually cared about me, and that- quite frankly- doesn’t bother me at all. Because none of you ever have and none of you ever will and that’s enough for me. That’s enough to prove that I don’t deserve anything. Anything all fucking all! Okay, Jim? Boss? Is that enough for you? Is that enough for you not to put me in the goddamn closet?”

Ryan barely noticed the tears streaming down his face. Silent. The entire office was silent- even Jim and his smug smile had faded off. A sarcastic smile grew Ryan’s his face. “I’ll get in the fucking closet if it makes you happy. Boss.”

He wiped his lip again. Blood- just like the blood that spilled into his mouth from his nose from the coke all those months ago. “Thanks for that, Jim.“ Ryan turned to office. “Bye assholes.” At some point, he had moved from out of the closet. Feeling in his pocket for his phone, he stormed from out of the break room. Past Phyllis, past Pam- oh God, Pam- past Stanley, past Erin. Past everyone. 

Once he made it inside of the elevator, he pulled out his phone. “Hey, Troy? Yeah, I need some of it. If I pay you a extra- yeah, a lot extra- can you get me enough to OD on?”


End file.
